The Official Blog Of Edward Cline

Global Warming ≥ ISIS = The Truth

 Inspired by a column by Sultan Knish about how
Global Warming is blamed by our liberal intellectual elite for the rise of
ISIS, or the Islamic State, Covering
Up Islamic Terrorism for Fun and Profit
,” I decided to expand on his
satirical remarks.
Of course, Global Warming has caused ISIS
to rise like cookie dough on steroids!  I
say that not meaning to impugn the character of ISIS, it has every right to
rise if it wants to.  But, it’s a simple
explanation not beyond the ken of your average liberal or Code Pinky or
transsexual or Democrat. The rise of ISIS is directly analogous to the rise of
ocean levels from melting polar icecaps from Global Warming. If a blackboard
was handy, I could show you the parallels with some deft strokes of my chalk.
Much of the Mideast is subjected to intense
heat and aridity and just downright miserable environmental and living conditions,
worse conditions than in historic memory. So naturally all those ISIS fighters, in order to acclimatize
themselves to the unbearable, exhausting conditions, swathe their heads in
masks of various kinds, swear off barbers, grow itchy, unkempt, long beards,
live and fight in sweltering conditions, wear uncomfortable garb, sweat like
pigs — excuse me, like very thirsty camels — enjoy the heat of battle, just
love their weapons growing hotter in their hands as they fire thousands of
rounds at fleeing civilians and Iraqi soldiers, and digging mass graves,
dripping gallons of salty bodily fluids while marching along dusty roads when
no trucks or SUVs or Humvees are available to take them to the next village to
overrun, rutting like rabbits on screaming female captives, posing in Calvin
Klein male burqas (made in China, as are all their keffiyahs) to behead Shi’ite captives or  Western journalists or Christians or some
other infidels or unbelievers, burning down churches, posing in odiferous
bunches under the hot, merciless sun for group photographs to send home to
friends and family in Europe….
I mean, it’s all hard work, don’t you know,
and Global Warming doesn’t make it any easier. There’s even a verse in the Koran, dictated by the angel Gabriel (Mohammad
nicknamed it – gender unknown – “Gabby”) into Mohammad’s ear in Allah’s own
words, forbidding Muslims from causing Global Warming, and to kill polluters
and greenhouse gas aficionados wherever they might be found and sending them to
hellfire. To wit:
Quran (9:20) – “Those who believe, and have left their
homes and striven with their wealth and their lives in Allah’s way are of much
greater worth in Allah’s sight. These are they who are triumphant.”
Quran (9:20.1a) – “Those who defile and offend my
Creation with greenhouse gases and other foul aerial and solidified,
un-recycled pestilences are the enemies of my Works, strike at their necks
wherever you may find them or wherever they may hide, behind rocks, trees,
bushes, sand dunes, hillocks, outhouses, mountains,  dead camels, stop signs, and even the Kaaba.”

 
Furthermore, ISIS hasn’t declared war on the West — nor has Islam, to tell the truth
– just because it refuses to acknowledge Allah as the one and only God and that
Mohammad is his messenger. Islam and ISIS are laboring mightily under a ubiquitous
and libelous misconception.
It is actually because it’s Dar al-Kufr (the West) that causes Global
Warming. ISIS just wants to put a stop to it, that’s all. See? It’s that simple
and so transparent, just as President Barack Obama’s administration has been. Who
needs The Kyoto Protocol when you have ISIS working overtime to control Global
Warming?
Furthermore, I wouldn’t dismiss the notion
as nonsensical, as some pundits do, that the Koran was caused by Global Warming, especially the violent verses
in it. Anyone who knows his global climate data can demonstrate that Mohammad
flourished in the Mideast at a time of extraordinary global climate change. It
was intolerably hot in that region then, too, and it drove Mohammad to extreme violence
to spread his new religion, helped not a little by his sensitive frontal lobe
and epileptic episodes.  In old-time
Mecca, many non-Muslim Arabs complained that he exceeded the limits of
“moderate” violence in pursuing his ends, but to no avail.
For example, once, when the Kaaba
caught fire in Mecca – at the time, it was just a bungalow-sized wooden shack. Mohammad
had just converted it from a pagan temple – it contained an assortment of
statues of nude gods and goddesses – into Allah’s gift to Islam. Many Meccan
tribesmen rushed to the local wells to bring back water to put it out, all
except the Ruwallah.
Noticing them standing idly by, chewing on sunflower seeds and peach pits, he
angrily confronted them and asked them why they refused to help extinguish the
fire.
The senior Ruwaili snorted and replied with some indignation: “The Ruwallah do not
carry water!”
Mohammad ordered
the extinction of the tribe, and the enslavement of its women and girls, the
pretty ones, at least. The men and boys got a free shave and a haircut, for two
bits.
So, Mohammad is entirely blameless for the
murderous jihad he waged for years
and anyone who says otherwise is an Islamophobe and a racist and lower than
pigs and apes. And dogs.
Of course, the West couldn’t be blamed for Global
Warming back then, because after Rome fell the West was expiring into the Dark
Ages. Some smart person ought to research and write a book on how Global
Warming caused Mohammad to author the Koran
(although he was an illiterate nut case and psychopath, diazepam be upon him).
Even his warped prefrontal lobe and epilepsy can be blamed on climate change.
A contemporary medical expert, upon
observing Mohammad’s behavior near the Kaaba
before he inaugurated his permanent jihad,
had remarked to a companion: “His dopamine delivery system has really gone
haywire. It’s unseasonably hot today, isn’t it? That might have something to do
with his peculiar calisthenics, too. That banging his head on the ground can’t
be doing his frontal lobe much good.”
Muhammad’s loyal friend, booking agent,
pitchman, and public relations expert, Abu Bakr, overheard the remark, and
suggested quietly to his employer that the fellow be beheaded. This was done,
not so quietly. Muhammad had to make a public example of the hapless physician
who had questioned the credibility of his messengerhood.  [Koran,
2.217b(d)sub.j]
Let’s stop slandering Mohammad and
misrepresenting ISIS and Islam, and buttonhole the West, instead. It’s Global
Warming that drives ISIS to commit its regrettable excesses, not any kind of
ideological penchant for savagery and bloodlust.  
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Allah
said so.

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2 Comments

  1. Edward Cline

    If any reader thought I was making this up, about people blaming ISIS on global warming, go here for a reality check:

    http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Peace/2014/10/01/HuffPo-Authors-Climate-Change-to-Blame-for-Rise-of-ISIS

    Ed

  2. 95BSharpshooter

    A complete list of things caused by global warming: complied by Professor John Brignell

    (And it's two years out of date today:)

    http://www.numberwatch.co.uk/warmlist.htm

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